WASHINTON, DC. War Czar Douglas Lute was found late Thursday dead in his office. At approximately 3:00PM Thursday, when workers broke through a wall in the process of expanding the office of Wilburt T. Fandango, the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Fisheries in the Department of Interior, they discovered the decomposed skeletal body of the War Czar. Washington was briefly put under lockdown, however it was quickly determined that the War Czar's death appeared to be accidental and not the work of terrorists. Although the cause of death is still being investigated, it is widely believed that a cipher lock on the door failed causing the War Czar to become trapped in his office. It is unknown how long Mr. Lute was trapped, but due to the advanced decayed state of the body experts believe it could have been as much as a year.

Doug Lute in Better Days

President Bush created the position was of War Czar to oversee the Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and appointed former General Douglas Lute to the position on May 15, 2007. Attempts to pinpoint the date of his disappearance have been unsuccessful, but there seems to have been little contact with the Czar since his much heralded appointment. Trica Lute, wife of the late Mr. Lute, stated "I can't remember when I saw him last. Before being appointed Doug was moping around the house and was always underfoot. But then, once he got the appointment, he was insufferable, saying things like 'All hail the War Czar' and 'The War Czar demands another beer'. Once he began work, quite frankly, having him out of the house was a quite a relief." Trica Lute went on to say, "He threw himself into every project he undertook, and with the wars going so badly, I just thought he was working long hours. Now that you mention it, it was a bit odd that I hadn’t seen him in such a long time." It appears that after becoming trapped there were attempts to raise help through a secure conference phone. The phone, found to be in working order, encrypts all phone calls and requires the call recipient to have a similar secure phone to decrypt the call. Several friends and his family reportedly received what they believed to be misdialed fax calls for several weeks after General Lute's appointment. It is believed that these calls may have been placed by Mr. Lute in an attempt to raise help.

General Lute as he was Found

Being a newly created Office, the physical office space was squeezed into some unused office space in the Department of Interior building, built under a hastily issued $32 million no-bid contract to Halliburton. It is not known if the cipher lock was properly installed or tested prior to occupancy by Mr. Lute. A spokesperson from Halliburton regretted the death of Mr. Lute but would not go on record with any other comment, except to reiterate that authorities believed it to be an accidental death.

A jet lagged President Bush reached during his farewell tour in Europe, when asked about the death of General Lute, apparently misunderstood the question and responded that "All I can say is that my War Czar Dougie is doing a heck of a job!" An aide quickly whispered in his ear and Bush added that "I am regretful that the War on Terror has claimed the life of, of, of such a fine man as Dougie, but we need to continue the War on Terror to make sure his death isn't for nothing." When probed how Mr. Lute's death is connected to the War on Terror, Bush explained "Well it's obvious. After being attacked on 9-11 we were forced to respond by attacking the evil-doers." President Bush continued, "If hadn't been for Al Qaeda we wouldn't be at war and there wouldn't be a need for a War Czar."

Vice President Chaney's office offered no comment to repeated inquires about the War Czar's death. However, in a pile of leaked papers marked Top Secret, was an order to issue a $120 million no-bid contract to Halliburton to "inspect and test all cipher locks in all secure, undisclosed locations". Also found in the sheet of papers, also marked Top Secret, was a note that read "Diet Coke, BBQ Chips, Italian Sub no onions, no hot peppers", with the words "no" double underlined. Speculation has been running rampant among journalists about the meaning of this document. Some say that this appears to be nothing more than a lunch order that workers in the overzealous secrecy of the Vice President's Office may have stamped Top Secret by mistake. Other journalists believe it is coded instructions, perhaps instructions to rank-and-file Republicans. Noting an uptick in Right Wing radio commentators xenophobic diatribes lately, some journalists believe this to be a coded message in regards to positioning on immigration policy. Democratic leaders in the House and Senate stated they were planning to investigate and will holding hearings, if necessary, to get to the bottom of the matter.

The White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said today that no decision has been made for a replacement but stated that the position of War Czar will be filled shortly so "the vital work of the War Czar can continue uninterrupted". Speculation in Washington is that Alberto Gonzales, who has been regular contact with President Bush and is well known to be searching for employment, is widely considered the leading contender for the job.

Funeral services will be held Saturday at Our Lady of Anguish Catholic Church in Great Falls, VA.